Roots

Today was a pretty blessed day. I got to have breakfast with my Step Mom, Jan. It was great to see her, it's only been 14 years since our brief sighting of one another at my Father's funeral in 1997. How I let this much time slip by without speaking to her just blows me away. We are family and for the first 12 years of my life she was a big part of my family.

Life has a way of forcing us to reflect on our past as we get older. We have brief moments that can turn into days of where we find ourselves doing nothing but looking back at our past. Feeling sad that things have changed so much, that people are far removed from our lives and some that have passed away. Depending on how far you want your mind to travel down that road, can lead you to a very sad place.

So I try not to wander to far. Sometimes it's to hard to come back to a place of contentment of not wanting to turn back the clock, say the things you should of and not saying the things that you regret. I wish that Jan and I would of never parted ways. I appreciatte her so much more now as an adult than I did when I was a kid. I think I always appreciatted her, I just didn't know what I had until it was to late.

Being a lost teenager you make mistakes and I guess that is why family loves us unconditional but can a step parent be equipped with that same unconditional love? I can only hope that this meeting today can turn into small steps of building a relationship, if she will have me. I guess I just want to reconnect with the woman whom I called my second Mom and get to know her again. No strings attached and maybe I can be of help to her the way she was to me when I was a small child.

I think we all search or yearn to find love, to be loved but sometimes its love of ourselves that is the most soothing. Without that, wont we keep searching for love and no matter how many people love us, it still wont feel like enough? I think that 2012 should be a journey of self discovery with me and Jesus. Find out who Mistie is and build a relationship with myself. Maybe then, I wont be searching to put the missing peices of my broken family together.

Jesus, can you fix me? LOL That's a big tall order there.
I am addicted to peace and that is it, that is what I am after in 2012 - Inner Peace!


Maybe the answer has been there all along, it was just right under my nose and I never saw it. Uhh, I will be a son of a gun. Maybe this entire time I just needed to start the journey to get to know and care for myself instead of always wanting love from others. Maybe I never fully have learned how to accept myself enough to warrant anyones love anyway.

How does one take care of themselves? I have always "loved" myself with giving into what ever desire I wanted, especially food. If I was upset, Food, stressed, food (sometimes cocktailes but then food afterwards), If I did something good, more food. Food, Food, Food. Always laying on the love in the form of food. How to I disassociatte comfort with food?

I will have to find comfort in other things. Like what? Jesus, writing a journal, exercise (Can one eventually find comfort in exercise?) call up a friend? Read? These all sound really great but will I follow through with these enough to turn them into a habit?

Stay tuned in my attempt to find out who I am, what else other than food can comfort me and how I find out how to truly love myself.

I am going to eat pizza now. That will help. NOT!