It’s been awhile since I have taken the time to blog. Let’s catch up here, I lost 1.8 lbs. making my total 50 all together and 30.4 with WW, the following week I gained 1.6 and then I walked blooms day! My first race ever, walking. Boy was I sore afterwards. I will do things much differently next year but I am very proud of the fact that I completed it. I can’t fit into the shirt, the largest size they have is 2XX (not that I would wear it anyhow) Yellow is not my color.
I got great news from my doctor, telling me that I do have one cyst on my right ovary which has been causing me some discomfort, but with that came music to my hears. She told me that I am ovulating and that I am fertile. Some months, I do not ovulate, while other times I do. The reason for my irregular and lengthy cycles is one thing… my weight. All the more reason to lose weight, right? Right!
However, with all this being said, while I am totally on cloud nine just having heard the best news ever. I find myself in stepping into deep swampy familiar water again. Let me count how many times I have went on a diet, and then I get tired of the restriction, the counting, the vegetables, the just not being able to eat what it is that I want to eat. So then I start going out of control. I have noticed this behavior and pattern creeping up this week and while I am trying with everything I have to put a damper on it, I still seem to let food get in the way of my weight loss. I am so close to breaking that 300 mark, and instead of losing the 4 lbs. I needed to break it, the scale is going in the opposite direction. Then panic sets in as with the pressure and I sabotage myself. Well I just will not allow that to happen.
Knowing that there will be another gain on that WW Scale this weekend, is not going to stop me from going forward and getting right back up. This is where I stop the cycle and push forward in the right direction. Time to set some personal goals for myself, health wise, physically, home wise, life goals, all area’s… and stop focusing so much on the food (in the right or wrong way) and just begin to live my life and try to change my mind, change my life. My good friend yesterday reminded me, it’s not about a diet… this is about a lifestyle change and for the first time with open ears I think that I really accepted and understood what that meant. That means that I am not a failure or a winner by the scale, it’s about changing my life.. being more active and not living my life so far out of balance that I am stressing out on losing weight or gaining weight.
I put far to much pressure on myself, I just need to relax a little bit, move more, eat less and if I eat 3 servings of nuts like I did yesterday, don’t panic for petes sake.
I remember John and I eating pizza every week, running to dairy queen for summer blizzards, fattening desserts every night. Heavy fatty, dinners etc., I have to look at the big picture and even if it takes me two years to lose this weight, so be it. For me, slow and steady. I cannot restrict myself because that will back fire on me. I get in my mind, I have to lose all this weight right now, so I can have a baby, because I am getting older and time is running out… that pressure in turns makes me stress out and I gain weight. It’s not effective. So right now, I need to think of what he most effective way for me to mentally prepare myself for this long journey ahead. I will say that I have come a long way in the means of I don’t beat myself up quite like I used to and for the first time in my life I can honestly say I love myself more than I ever have and I think that is what has helped me lose this weight. Before when I lost weight, it was always motivated by fear.. I can’t let that be the driving force, this time, it’s because I love myself and I want to give myself the best chance at living a great life and showing some appreciation to God, for the body that he gave me to take care of.
So, I have had at two week setback. Oh Well. It’s over. The end. It’s not like I murdered someone. Why do we have to beat ourselves up so much over something so insignificant? I will make it on this journey, I believe in myself and I will hit some rough spots along the way, but I will promise myself this, I will continue on, because I am worth it.
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