Roots

Today was a pretty blessed day. I got to have breakfast with my Step Mom, Jan. It was great to see her, it's only been 14 years since our brief sighting of one another at my Father's funeral in 1997. How I let this much time slip by without speaking to her just blows me away. We are family and for the first 12 years of my life she was a big part of my family.

Life has a way of forcing us to reflect on our past as we get older. We have brief moments that can turn into days of where we find ourselves doing nothing but looking back at our past. Feeling sad that things have changed so much, that people are far removed from our lives and some that have passed away. Depending on how far you want your mind to travel down that road, can lead you to a very sad place.

So I try not to wander to far. Sometimes it's to hard to come back to a place of contentment of not wanting to turn back the clock, say the things you should of and not saying the things that you regret. I wish that Jan and I would of never parted ways. I appreciatte her so much more now as an adult than I did when I was a kid. I think I always appreciatted her, I just didn't know what I had until it was to late.

Being a lost teenager you make mistakes and I guess that is why family loves us unconditional but can a step parent be equipped with that same unconditional love? I can only hope that this meeting today can turn into small steps of building a relationship, if she will have me. I guess I just want to reconnect with the woman whom I called my second Mom and get to know her again. No strings attached and maybe I can be of help to her the way she was to me when I was a small child.

I think we all search or yearn to find love, to be loved but sometimes its love of ourselves that is the most soothing. Without that, wont we keep searching for love and no matter how many people love us, it still wont feel like enough? I think that 2012 should be a journey of self discovery with me and Jesus. Find out who Mistie is and build a relationship with myself. Maybe then, I wont be searching to put the missing peices of my broken family together.

Jesus, can you fix me? LOL That's a big tall order there.
I am addicted to peace and that is it, that is what I am after in 2012 - Inner Peace!


Maybe the answer has been there all along, it was just right under my nose and I never saw it. Uhh, I will be a son of a gun. Maybe this entire time I just needed to start the journey to get to know and care for myself instead of always wanting love from others. Maybe I never fully have learned how to accept myself enough to warrant anyones love anyway.

How does one take care of themselves? I have always "loved" myself with giving into what ever desire I wanted, especially food. If I was upset, Food, stressed, food (sometimes cocktailes but then food afterwards), If I did something good, more food. Food, Food, Food. Always laying on the love in the form of food. How to I disassociatte comfort with food?

I will have to find comfort in other things. Like what? Jesus, writing a journal, exercise (Can one eventually find comfort in exercise?) call up a friend? Read? These all sound really great but will I follow through with these enough to turn them into a habit?

Stay tuned in my attempt to find out who I am, what else other than food can comfort me and how I find out how to truly love myself.

I am going to eat pizza now. That will help. NOT!

a year and still going

Boy, it sure has been awhile since I have opened up my weekly blog and spilled my thoughts over a hot cup of tea and a computer. So here I am, one week and a day away from starting my second quarter of College at SCC. Sometimes it feels like I am living a life, other than my own.

For the last 11 years I worked at the same company with the same people; it was safe, easy and on days that I didn't feel like it, I could do a good job with little or no effort at all. I am in a much different place in my life and it requires allot of effort. Effort to keep a positive outlook, effort to remain courageous, effort to remain diligent; on some days it takes all the effort I have to keep my momentum going.

I am not complaining. I truly believe that I am right where I need to be. Life is about change and this is an adjustment. 2011 has been a good year. I have laughed, loved, played, worked harder than I ever have in my life. The result, a 3.14 GPA and 60+ lbs. loss bragging rights.

As we near the corner to a new year, a fresh start and a positive outlook for a new beginning, I am most happy with the last year in passing. I don't have any regrets and I look forward to my accomplishments in the year to come.

I wish I could of had the wisdom I carry now when I was younger. How much easier life would be. How much pain I could of saved my heart and soul from. But, that's life and these are the lessons that make us who we are.

I look over entries of my diary's of past years; they all start with a desperate girl who wants to lose weight and makes claims that this is the year and nothing will stop her. Even the best intentions get some how get washed down the drain by the second week of January.  Maybe the desperation required drastic changes that weren't so realistic.

I am glad this year, I did it slow. I am glad that I didn't think that I needed to lose all of my weight by tomorrow. I took one day at a time and most importantly, I allowed myself to make mistakes, to gain weight and not beat myself up. I looked at the journey as a life style, not a diet. I over indulged and loved every second of it. Yet, all the while knowing that this was a temporary moment of pleasure and that soon, the treadmill would be under my feet and the water sliding down my throat.

I haven't set any big new year resolutions this year. I guess I just want to allow myself the chance to live my life and to love and honour myself as never before. Taking care of me and that doesn't mean eating a bag of chips. Where is the love in that? Changing my relationship with food has and will always be a struggle for me. I am and will never give up on my adventure to beat food, or is it the challenge to beat myself. This tug of war battle that has went on with food for to many years to count will one day be in the past.

I know that if I do what I can do, then God will do what I can't. It is His promises that I stand on and knowing that faith without works is dead. So I can have all the faith in the world to overcome this battle, but I need to continue to put faith into work as I have done. I know He is proud of my victory this past year. I am proud of myself too. I would have to say that my biggest achievement was that no matter what the scale said at  weight watchers, I still managed to pick myself up and try again and always knowing that tomorrow was a new day.

That is sometimes the only comfort we have isn't it? That tomorrow, his Mercy's are new everyday. It always amazes me that no matter how bad today is, that tomorrow could bring so much happiness. It is a wondrous thing and sometimes at the end of the day, it is only tomorrow that I have to be most grateful for.

I hope to really time manage my days better with my second quarter of school. It will require me to get up everyday at 4:45 am, drink or rather gulp down a strong cup of coffee, work out for an hour, hop in the shower, prepare a healthy breakfast and be out of the door by 6:55 am, off to School. I have made a schedule of house cleaning and the days that they are to be done. I will plan menus on Saturday or Sunday for the week, making crock pot meals on the days I am at school until 7pm.

I will have little time for socialization and this saddens me but I am doing something for myself right now. It feels weird to be selfish. I know the princess, right? Just because I am a princess doesn't mean that I don't think of others first, I love to give, love to spend time with my friends and most of all, love to do nice things for them. This all comes to a halt when I am in school. I am thankful for their understanding and support of my decision to go back to School.

I need to manage my time better... I need to make more time for Jesus, Even if its 30 minutes a day... something. I never thought that life would be so hectic while in School. Juggling three subjects, sometimes having a final, or exam on the same day.

I have a week left and I am going to enjoy my time off. I sit here now on my new lap top *thanks to my wonderful husband* in my kitchen, with a cup of cinnamon stick tea from Taste and Sea Ministries, listening to Positive Life Radio... my house is clean, and we have had a blessed Christmas having spent this Season with friends and family members on both sides, and we are so thankful to God for sending his son, and for his forgiveness. I know that Jesus didn't come and die so we could have religion, it was so we could have relationship and I find relief in knowing there is no perfection in that.

God is Good. Amen.

Here is rasing my glass to a wonderful year in 2012 and here is to another 60 pounds lost, a deeper walk with Jesus, a tight bond with all my friends and family and getting into the PTA program at the Falls. Getting PREGNANT. In Jesus Name.

Leap of Faith

It is less than a week before I head through those school doors to see what I really did sign up for. Making the decision to go to school was the easy part. The follow through is going to be one of the hardest steps in my life that I have ever taken. However, sometimes in our lives it is the road least traveled that is the more rewarding.
I only wonder... Can my brain retain all the new information?

I can only pray. Pray that God step in, because I cannot rely on myself to do this on my own. It would never work. I hate the "UNKNOWN" & the "WHAT IFS?" Right now my future is a big question mark. (((?))) What will my life be like in school? How much of a work load will it be? Will I make friends? Will my brain shut down or light up? Will I stressed out and overwhelmed?  I guess the biggest question that haunts me is.... Can I do this? Can I really do this?
The answer I keep telling myself is YES. Mistie, this is your life long desire to get an education and make something of yourself. Yea, you wanted to be a physcologist, but that is not feasible (time and money wise).... I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me. I am more worried about the Biology than anything but God settled my heart some on that, when my Pastor told me to find Jesus in the biology. That changed my perspective. I just keep telling myself "Trust God."

I had myself in such a state of panic of volunteering at St. Lukes... that is when I really started to doubt myself. I had no idea what to expect, walking into a room with medical people where I was the only one that knew nothing. Who was I kidding, I hadn't even started school yet? Would I remember how the wheelchair functions? Would the patients hate me? Would the PTA's like me?

Self Confidence is something that I lack, although better, still needs much improvement. When I was in Elementary, friends were in abundance, most of the girls I knew since Kindergarten, and everyone knew me for my personality and had no choice but to love me. When going into Jr. High, that was a fish tank for about 10 Elementary Schools. I felt out of my comfort zone because I was fat. When I was a kid, there were not allot of fat kids. It was out of the "norm" if you were big. I got teased allot, rocks thrown at me and while all the other girls were getting asked to the dance, making new friends, on sports teams, etc., I found myself making friends with the stoners. They accepted me, and they liked smoked. I liked to smoke cigarettes and pot. Whatever I could do to numb my pain.... I did. However, going down this road, lead me to drop out of school. I didn't fit in anyway. This did nothing for myself confidence.

So here I am 33 years old going back to school. Still fat. (and losing).... and all of those fears and feelings are rushing back in but with prayer the last few weeks, I must say those are easing up. Thank you God. This is going to be a BIG SKY HIGH LEAP of FAITH... for me.


Oh so anyways back to my St Luke's, I was stressed out, I found myself over eating out of FEAR. I am an emotional eater... and boy do I tend to shovel it in. I didn't even realise what I was doing...until the bag of chips was gone. I had tried to get back on program all week and was not successful, due to the fear. The day at come and it was my first day. I was trembling...  My sweet husband calmed my nerves and I prayed all the way to the Hospital. Lord wash away my fear! Lord please be with me today. Protect me from mean people or any accidents that might happen. I got to the Hospital and clocked in, found my way to the TEAM ROOM in the CVA unit. I opened the door, and all eyes were on me. I quietly stepped in. The chitter chatter that once was, had evaporated. I said " Hi, I am Mistie. I am a shadow patient escort volunteer." I was asked to wait around until 1pm. Ten minutes? So, I stood while PTA's came and went. I was assigned to a younger gal who ended up being so nice and we saw 5 patients within the 3 hours and it was a pure delight. God had answered my prayers and this was confirmation that everything was going to be OK & I was going to like doing this work. I even found it a great opportunity to pray over every patient we saw. Of course, they didn't know I was praying for them... but God did and that was all that mattered.

So the next day was Weigh In, - I hadn't weighed in - for 3 Weeks.... we went camping twice and not healthy camping either, all the bad foods, and with my fear eating I was so sad to see a gain of 9.4 on that scale.... but I kept focusing on the fact, that at least I went to Weight Watchers, old Mistie would of ran.. and kept gaining.... I had made up my mind. I was going to be accountable. I didn't have a lets get this 9.4 off this week either. That is not how my brain works... So I just started slow. I may only lose 1 pound this week and I am OK with that... slow and easy does it for me... I cannot go all out, I will set myself up for failure. I am an emotional eater / food addict... and diets don't work with me... so just need to Eat when I am hungry. I am struggling with my water... exercise has been on point... but my veggies and water... those two key points need to be stepped up next week.

Yesterday it was not so easy. I was on a different floor. I walked into the TEAM ROOM only to find it empty. Two gals walked in and they just stared at me and then one gal introduced herself as a Aide, I wasn't even thinking so I said" Hi, I am a volunteer-." Cut off my the other gal looking at me asking "Your name is Volunteer?." with a disgusting look on her face. I finished my sentence and then ended with and my name is Mistie. The aide just said go to room 209, patients name is William and PTA is Ryan. - I thought to myself ... What? Why would you not take me down there and introduce me. This is going to be awkward and akward it was. I go to room 209, there is no PTA in the room, just a nice gentleman on a bed. I didn't enter the room. I didn't want Ryan to feel uncomfortable while I introduced myself to him in front of the patient. I saw a PTA heading towards the room, I asked "Are you Ryan?"  He was. After I introduced myself, he had a puzzled look on his face, and just continued into the room. Greeted William, and in the between his conversation with the patient then said "So, Mistie I assume that I got an email that you were going to be with me today?"  - I knew he hadn't. This aid had just made a last minute decision to put me with him. He got the patient ready for Gym and said to meet us there. I was to follow the PTA, as he and I walked  down the Hall - I am pretty sure he thought I would not be able to keep up with his pace. Wrong. : ) I just biked 8 miles and walked one. LOL

On the way there, He wanted me to tell him about myself. I explained my goal for being there, the process I was in etc., He was for the most part semi friendly/annoyed/blunt. After the 90 minute session in the Gym was over, he quickly found someone else for me to follow. I was relieved. He was not my cup of tea. I was surprised he was in this field to be frank... I thought that most medical involved people were tender hearted, kind, wanted to help people, make a difference...? Anyways, it was a God send, I ended up with a guy name Dave and he was Awesome! He made me ask him questions, he talked to me the entire time, and actually taught me things. He said to be sure to ask for him next time I was on his floor. I will indeed David. He rocked.

I am just walking in faith. I know I can't do any of this alone.... God, is with me and He will see me through. I am so grateful for Him coming into my life. I never even would of attempted to do any of this, without his nudge that feels more like a push. When I lose all of my weight, even if it takes me 3 years which at that point, I will be graduating.... my self confidence in myself should be a tad bit better.  

Back to School, Back on Program

Well I can't say that this Summer has not been fun. I especially enjoyed it because I am thinner than I have been in years... and although I didn't really lose any weight this summer... I maintained with little ups and little downs.... I think there will be at least a 5-6 pound gain this Friday. I haven't been to weigh in - in over two weeks. So, time to pay the piper and wipe the slate clean.

I have exactly two weeks before school starts and I intend on using that time to get a head start on some Christmas Crafts and Home orginization. I have no clue what my life will be like once I have started school. I have heard that the homework and study time mixed with actual school classes is like working two full time jobs. This Christmas will just be simplified a touch. I have decided due to shortage of funds, I think on Christmas Eve we will go to the movies, maybe look at Christmas lights,etc., just not sure but it will be simple. I do know that.

So instead of going ALL or NOTHING now that I have been Off Program for two weeks, I decided instead of putting my body into shock, today I would focus on excercise ad getting my water and a few fruits and veggies in, tomorrow, I will work out twice, and do the same... but starting Friday - I will count my points, work out, drink water and tons of F&V!!!! That's my plan. Wanna lose the weight I gained plus some within two weeks, before school starts.

I go to S. Lukes today to get my badge, and a tour of the PT part of the hospital. Tomorrow at 1:00 PM I actually start my Shadow/Escorting. Then I will know, if I am REALLY made out for this profession. : )

Let's do this!

Back in the saddle again. I knew it would only take a few good days to get me back motivated and in the swing of things. I did pretty good with food/exercise the past few days and I feel great, feel thinner.. I love how it only takes a day or two to feel good. This is why I eat well and drink water, and don't eat after 7 and eat all my veggies etc., YEA!!!!!!!!

I set some new goals for myself. I want to be in a size 24 by Sept 21, a size 22 by OCT 21, a size 20 by turkey Day, a size 18 by New Years Eve!!!! Can I do it? Yes, I can.. gonna take some hard work, and some serious eating right and drinking water... sweat. Time to do this, what am I waiting for?
To get older? Is food really worth not achieving my goals? Is a moment of pleasure worth a life time of unhappiness? Nooo, it's not. I need to eat more fruit from heaven.... that's my goal this week. I made a really tasty Italian marinated veggies, I liked it... i also have been dipping veggies in hummus. So filling and Yum! I am all over it, but let's not get burned out ok Mistie?

I walked for 18 minutes on my treadmill today, did a little zumba and lifted weights. Yesterday I did zumba, Monday I walked 2.14 miles and Sunday morning I walked about 3 - no miles on Saturday. Tomorrow I am going to bike with Helmi - haven't exercised with her for like 3 weeks and then Friday, I will do zumba or bike after ww... and who knows what the scale will say since I was pretty bad last week and half of this week but I don't care, I am going anyway.... pay my dues and start a new. I have a brand new motivation and determination and I can do this.

I feel smaller today. I love that skinny feeling. I have been around 295ish since May. It's now July. Time to move into the 280's - Stop making excuses. I want need this BAD... so it's time to put my NEED before my WANT..... I may WANT food, but I NEED to be healthy and thinner so I can have a baby and live longer, and feel better about myself. I have spent 98.9 % of my life at this weight and damn what a struggle it is... but God says I am MORE than a CONQUEROR, and I can do ALL things thru CHRIST whom strengthens me. Time to have a KICK ASS day tomorrow.  - Going on a bike ride and then tomorrow for dinner, going to Jimmie Johns and taking it to the park to listen to a band and have dinner. May walk around the park before or after concert. Going to clean house tomorrow, and clean out sewing room. Time to get my list of things crossed off.

I can do this!!!!

A New Day!

Okay! Okay! Okay! Without the expection of exercise, I took the week off from Weight Watchers. I needed a break. To avoid a long burn out.... I had to stop tracking, counting and worrying about weight loss.
- Break is officially over. I started my day with a walk, and I planned my menu's for the week.

Tonight we will be BBQ'ing Buffalo chicken Burgers... I will take chicken breast's and pound them, marinate in buffalo wing sauce... and BBQ, baste with sauce, have on a sand which thin, with lettuce, tomato and blue cheese on a sandwich thin. I haven't decided on a veggie yet. Monday I am trying a new recipe, buttermilk marinade with fresh herbs for chicken kabobs, Tuesday will be Taco's and instead of a flour tortilla for me, I am going to have a Taco Salad, and incorporate my Southwestern Bean Salad in there. It's healthy but filling. Wednesday I am doing Pork Chops on the BBQ and making a Whole Wheat Penne Pasta with Fresh Summer Veggies... Thursday, I will do a tortilla crusted Tilapia and a Summer Veggie Quina Salad.

I am going to drink 100 oz of water everyday. I have not reached this goal once since not working. I also will work out for two hours a day. Even if I have to split it up. I will walk or bike, do zumba, weights and Pilate's.

I have to get over this little hurdle and start pushing forward and finish this.

I am blessed with a bowl full of friends that cheer me on and want to see me do this for myself, and health and my happiness. Thank you God for my bouquet of friends. I love them so much.

Burned out

Well this month marks my 7th month in Weight Watchers and I didn't realise it until this week. I am burned out. Please don't even feed me another egg, Blah! No yogurt, almonds or cottage cheese please. I am done. Put a fork in me. I am tired of counting points and working my butt off everyday for little weight loss...



This is SOOOOOO me right now.


Don't worry - I am not about to give up on my dreams. I just need a little inspiration. If I continue this road, the way I started the week off, it will lead to no where good, or where I want to be.


I need inspiration.... and that inspiration is a baby! I want to be a Mom. I want to be healthy. I want to feel the best that I can and looking great has its benefits too. So going to get up and kick off the dust and put my brain into action as to how I can reignite that fire that I have every January 1st!

Everybody needs a refreshed commitment.

I just know that I need to take a new approach starting tomorrow. I am going to look up new healthy foods that I can get in that have a variety. So I am going to go through my healthy cookbooks and start finding new foods that are good for me that I have not eaten everyday for last 250 days! LOL

This was a picture taken of me last October - I have to remind myself how far I have come.



October 2010 353 pounds



July 2011 - 293 pounds

 So even though I can't say I have lost these 60 lbs. at record speed, I can say that this is the farthest I have come in the last ten years. I can say that I feel better than I have in years. I can wear clothes that I haven't been able to fit into for years. This feels good and even if I maintain at this weight for a little while, I am ok with that as long as I do not gain.

It is time to reach inside of myself and get the strength to continue this journey and reach my next small goal. Today I set a goal that I want to be at 285 pounds by August 11th. It's not a huge goal, just one that is obtainable.