Leap of Faith

It is less than a week before I head through those school doors to see what I really did sign up for. Making the decision to go to school was the easy part. The follow through is going to be one of the hardest steps in my life that I have ever taken. However, sometimes in our lives it is the road least traveled that is the more rewarding.
I only wonder... Can my brain retain all the new information?

I can only pray. Pray that God step in, because I cannot rely on myself to do this on my own. It would never work. I hate the "UNKNOWN" & the "WHAT IFS?" Right now my future is a big question mark. (((?))) What will my life be like in school? How much of a work load will it be? Will I make friends? Will my brain shut down or light up? Will I stressed out and overwhelmed?  I guess the biggest question that haunts me is.... Can I do this? Can I really do this?
The answer I keep telling myself is YES. Mistie, this is your life long desire to get an education and make something of yourself. Yea, you wanted to be a physcologist, but that is not feasible (time and money wise).... I can do all things through Christ whom strengthens me. I am more worried about the Biology than anything but God settled my heart some on that, when my Pastor told me to find Jesus in the biology. That changed my perspective. I just keep telling myself "Trust God."

I had myself in such a state of panic of volunteering at St. Lukes... that is when I really started to doubt myself. I had no idea what to expect, walking into a room with medical people where I was the only one that knew nothing. Who was I kidding, I hadn't even started school yet? Would I remember how the wheelchair functions? Would the patients hate me? Would the PTA's like me?

Self Confidence is something that I lack, although better, still needs much improvement. When I was in Elementary, friends were in abundance, most of the girls I knew since Kindergarten, and everyone knew me for my personality and had no choice but to love me. When going into Jr. High, that was a fish tank for about 10 Elementary Schools. I felt out of my comfort zone because I was fat. When I was a kid, there were not allot of fat kids. It was out of the "norm" if you were big. I got teased allot, rocks thrown at me and while all the other girls were getting asked to the dance, making new friends, on sports teams, etc., I found myself making friends with the stoners. They accepted me, and they liked smoked. I liked to smoke cigarettes and pot. Whatever I could do to numb my pain.... I did. However, going down this road, lead me to drop out of school. I didn't fit in anyway. This did nothing for myself confidence.

So here I am 33 years old going back to school. Still fat. (and losing).... and all of those fears and feelings are rushing back in but with prayer the last few weeks, I must say those are easing up. Thank you God. This is going to be a BIG SKY HIGH LEAP of FAITH... for me.


Oh so anyways back to my St Luke's, I was stressed out, I found myself over eating out of FEAR. I am an emotional eater... and boy do I tend to shovel it in. I didn't even realise what I was doing...until the bag of chips was gone. I had tried to get back on program all week and was not successful, due to the fear. The day at come and it was my first day. I was trembling...  My sweet husband calmed my nerves and I prayed all the way to the Hospital. Lord wash away my fear! Lord please be with me today. Protect me from mean people or any accidents that might happen. I got to the Hospital and clocked in, found my way to the TEAM ROOM in the CVA unit. I opened the door, and all eyes were on me. I quietly stepped in. The chitter chatter that once was, had evaporated. I said " Hi, I am Mistie. I am a shadow patient escort volunteer." I was asked to wait around until 1pm. Ten minutes? So, I stood while PTA's came and went. I was assigned to a younger gal who ended up being so nice and we saw 5 patients within the 3 hours and it was a pure delight. God had answered my prayers and this was confirmation that everything was going to be OK & I was going to like doing this work. I even found it a great opportunity to pray over every patient we saw. Of course, they didn't know I was praying for them... but God did and that was all that mattered.

So the next day was Weigh In, - I hadn't weighed in - for 3 Weeks.... we went camping twice and not healthy camping either, all the bad foods, and with my fear eating I was so sad to see a gain of 9.4 on that scale.... but I kept focusing on the fact, that at least I went to Weight Watchers, old Mistie would of ran.. and kept gaining.... I had made up my mind. I was going to be accountable. I didn't have a lets get this 9.4 off this week either. That is not how my brain works... So I just started slow. I may only lose 1 pound this week and I am OK with that... slow and easy does it for me... I cannot go all out, I will set myself up for failure. I am an emotional eater / food addict... and diets don't work with me... so just need to Eat when I am hungry. I am struggling with my water... exercise has been on point... but my veggies and water... those two key points need to be stepped up next week.

Yesterday it was not so easy. I was on a different floor. I walked into the TEAM ROOM only to find it empty. Two gals walked in and they just stared at me and then one gal introduced herself as a Aide, I wasn't even thinking so I said" Hi, I am a volunteer-." Cut off my the other gal looking at me asking "Your name is Volunteer?." with a disgusting look on her face. I finished my sentence and then ended with and my name is Mistie. The aide just said go to room 209, patients name is William and PTA is Ryan. - I thought to myself ... What? Why would you not take me down there and introduce me. This is going to be awkward and akward it was. I go to room 209, there is no PTA in the room, just a nice gentleman on a bed. I didn't enter the room. I didn't want Ryan to feel uncomfortable while I introduced myself to him in front of the patient. I saw a PTA heading towards the room, I asked "Are you Ryan?"  He was. After I introduced myself, he had a puzzled look on his face, and just continued into the room. Greeted William, and in the between his conversation with the patient then said "So, Mistie I assume that I got an email that you were going to be with me today?"  - I knew he hadn't. This aid had just made a last minute decision to put me with him. He got the patient ready for Gym and said to meet us there. I was to follow the PTA, as he and I walked  down the Hall - I am pretty sure he thought I would not be able to keep up with his pace. Wrong. : ) I just biked 8 miles and walked one. LOL

On the way there, He wanted me to tell him about myself. I explained my goal for being there, the process I was in etc., He was for the most part semi friendly/annoyed/blunt. After the 90 minute session in the Gym was over, he quickly found someone else for me to follow. I was relieved. He was not my cup of tea. I was surprised he was in this field to be frank... I thought that most medical involved people were tender hearted, kind, wanted to help people, make a difference...? Anyways, it was a God send, I ended up with a guy name Dave and he was Awesome! He made me ask him questions, he talked to me the entire time, and actually taught me things. He said to be sure to ask for him next time I was on his floor. I will indeed David. He rocked.

I am just walking in faith. I know I can't do any of this alone.... God, is with me and He will see me through. I am so grateful for Him coming into my life. I never even would of attempted to do any of this, without his nudge that feels more like a push. When I lose all of my weight, even if it takes me 3 years which at that point, I will be graduating.... my self confidence in myself should be a tad bit better.  

Back to School, Back on Program

Well I can't say that this Summer has not been fun. I especially enjoyed it because I am thinner than I have been in years... and although I didn't really lose any weight this summer... I maintained with little ups and little downs.... I think there will be at least a 5-6 pound gain this Friday. I haven't been to weigh in - in over two weeks. So, time to pay the piper and wipe the slate clean.

I have exactly two weeks before school starts and I intend on using that time to get a head start on some Christmas Crafts and Home orginization. I have no clue what my life will be like once I have started school. I have heard that the homework and study time mixed with actual school classes is like working two full time jobs. This Christmas will just be simplified a touch. I have decided due to shortage of funds, I think on Christmas Eve we will go to the movies, maybe look at Christmas lights,etc., just not sure but it will be simple. I do know that.

So instead of going ALL or NOTHING now that I have been Off Program for two weeks, I decided instead of putting my body into shock, today I would focus on excercise ad getting my water and a few fruits and veggies in, tomorrow, I will work out twice, and do the same... but starting Friday - I will count my points, work out, drink water and tons of F&V!!!! That's my plan. Wanna lose the weight I gained plus some within two weeks, before school starts.

I go to S. Lukes today to get my badge, and a tour of the PT part of the hospital. Tomorrow at 1:00 PM I actually start my Shadow/Escorting. Then I will know, if I am REALLY made out for this profession. : )