Today was a pretty blessed day. I got to have breakfast with my Step Mom, Jan. It was great to see her, it's only been 14 years since our brief sighting of one another at my Father's funeral in 1997. How I let this much time slip by without speaking to her just blows me away. We are family and for the first 12 years of my life she was a big part of my family.
Life has a way of forcing us to reflect on our past as we get older. We have brief moments that can turn into days of where we find ourselves doing nothing but looking back at our past. Feeling sad that things have changed so much, that people are far removed from our lives and some that have passed away. Depending on how far you want your mind to travel down that road, can lead you to a very sad place.
So I try not to wander to far. Sometimes it's to hard to come back to a place of contentment of not wanting to turn back the clock, say the things you should of and not saying the things that you regret. I wish that Jan and I would of never parted ways. I appreciatte her so much more now as an adult than I did when I was a kid. I think I always appreciatted her, I just didn't know what I had until it was to late.
Being a lost teenager you make mistakes and I guess that is why family loves us unconditional but can a step parent be equipped with that same unconditional love? I can only hope that this meeting today can turn into small steps of building a relationship, if she will have me. I guess I just want to reconnect with the woman whom I called my second Mom and get to know her again. No strings attached and maybe I can be of help to her the way she was to me when I was a small child.
I think we all search or yearn to find love, to be loved but sometimes its love of ourselves that is the most soothing. Without that, wont we keep searching for love and no matter how many people love us, it still wont feel like enough? I think that 2012 should be a journey of self discovery with me and Jesus. Find out who Mistie is and build a relationship with myself. Maybe then, I wont be searching to put the missing peices of my broken family together.
Jesus, can you fix me? LOL That's a big tall order there.
I am addicted to peace and that is it, that is what I am after in 2012 - Inner Peace!
Maybe the answer has been there all along, it was just right under my nose and I never saw it. Uhh, I will be a son of a gun. Maybe this entire time I just needed to start the journey to get to know and care for myself instead of always wanting love from others. Maybe I never fully have learned how to accept myself enough to warrant anyones love anyway.
How does one take care of themselves? I have always "loved" myself with giving into what ever desire I wanted, especially food. If I was upset, Food, stressed, food (sometimes cocktailes but then food afterwards), If I did something good, more food. Food, Food, Food. Always laying on the love in the form of food. How to I disassociatte comfort with food?
I will have to find comfort in other things. Like what? Jesus, writing a journal, exercise (Can one eventually find comfort in exercise?) call up a friend? Read? These all sound really great but will I follow through with these enough to turn them into a habit?
Stay tuned in my attempt to find out who I am, what else other than food can comfort me and how I find out how to truly love myself.
I am going to eat pizza now. That will help. NOT!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
a year and still going
Boy, it sure has been awhile since I have opened up my weekly blog and spilled my thoughts over a hot cup of tea and a computer. So here I am, one week and a day away from starting my second quarter of College at SCC. Sometimes it feels like I am living a life, other than my own.
For the last 11 years I worked at the same company with the same people; it was safe, easy and on days that I didn't feel like it, I could do a good job with little or no effort at all. I am in a much different place in my life and it requires allot of effort. Effort to keep a positive outlook, effort to remain courageous, effort to remain diligent; on some days it takes all the effort I have to keep my momentum going.
I am not complaining. I truly believe that I am right where I need to be. Life is about change and this is an adjustment. 2011 has been a good year. I have laughed, loved, played, worked harder than I ever have in my life. The result, a 3.14 GPA and 60+ lbs. loss bragging rights.
As we near the corner to a new year, a fresh start and a positive outlook for a new beginning, I am most happy with the last year in passing. I don't have any regrets and I look forward to my accomplishments in the year to come.
I wish I could of had the wisdom I carry now when I was younger. How much easier life would be. How much pain I could of saved my heart and soul from. But, that's life and these are the lessons that make us who we are.
I look over entries of my diary's of past years; they all start with a desperate girl who wants to lose weight and makes claims that this is the year and nothing will stop her. Even the best intentions get some how get washed down the drain by the second week of January. Maybe the desperation required drastic changes that weren't so realistic.
I am glad this year, I did it slow. I am glad that I didn't think that I needed to lose all of my weight by tomorrow. I took one day at a time and most importantly, I allowed myself to make mistakes, to gain weight and not beat myself up. I looked at the journey as a life style, not a diet. I over indulged and loved every second of it. Yet, all the while knowing that this was a temporary moment of pleasure and that soon, the treadmill would be under my feet and the water sliding down my throat.
I haven't set any big new year resolutions this year. I guess I just want to allow myself the chance to live my life and to love and honour myself as never before. Taking care of me and that doesn't mean eating a bag of chips. Where is the love in that? Changing my relationship with food has and will always be a struggle for me. I am and will never give up on my adventure to beat food, or is it the challenge to beat myself. This tug of war battle that has went on with food for to many years to count will one day be in the past.
I know that if I do what I can do, then God will do what I can't. It is His promises that I stand on and knowing that faith without works is dead. So I can have all the faith in the world to overcome this battle, but I need to continue to put faith into work as I have done. I know He is proud of my victory this past year. I am proud of myself too. I would have to say that my biggest achievement was that no matter what the scale said at weight watchers, I still managed to pick myself up and try again and always knowing that tomorrow was a new day.
That is sometimes the only comfort we have isn't it? That tomorrow, his Mercy's are new everyday. It always amazes me that no matter how bad today is, that tomorrow could bring so much happiness. It is a wondrous thing and sometimes at the end of the day, it is only tomorrow that I have to be most grateful for.
I hope to really time manage my days better with my second quarter of school. It will require me to get up everyday at 4:45 am, drink or rather gulp down a strong cup of coffee, work out for an hour, hop in the shower, prepare a healthy breakfast and be out of the door by 6:55 am, off to School. I have made a schedule of house cleaning and the days that they are to be done. I will plan menus on Saturday or Sunday for the week, making crock pot meals on the days I am at school until 7pm.
I will have little time for socialization and this saddens me but I am doing something for myself right now. It feels weird to be selfish. I know the princess, right? Just because I am a princess doesn't mean that I don't think of others first, I love to give, love to spend time with my friends and most of all, love to do nice things for them. This all comes to a halt when I am in school. I am thankful for their understanding and support of my decision to go back to School.
I need to manage my time better... I need to make more time for Jesus, Even if its 30 minutes a day... something. I never thought that life would be so hectic while in School. Juggling three subjects, sometimes having a final, or exam on the same day.
I have a week left and I am going to enjoy my time off. I sit here now on my new lap top *thanks to my wonderful husband* in my kitchen, with a cup of cinnamon stick tea from Taste and Sea Ministries, listening to Positive Life Radio... my house is clean, and we have had a blessed Christmas having spent this Season with friends and family members on both sides, and we are so thankful to God for sending his son, and for his forgiveness. I know that Jesus didn't come and die so we could have religion, it was so we could have relationship and I find relief in knowing there is no perfection in that.
God is Good. Amen.
Here is rasing my glass to a wonderful year in 2012 and here is to another 60 pounds lost, a deeper walk with Jesus, a tight bond with all my friends and family and getting into the PTA program at the Falls. Getting PREGNANT. In Jesus Name.
For the last 11 years I worked at the same company with the same people; it was safe, easy and on days that I didn't feel like it, I could do a good job with little or no effort at all. I am in a much different place in my life and it requires allot of effort. Effort to keep a positive outlook, effort to remain courageous, effort to remain diligent; on some days it takes all the effort I have to keep my momentum going.
I am not complaining. I truly believe that I am right where I need to be. Life is about change and this is an adjustment. 2011 has been a good year. I have laughed, loved, played, worked harder than I ever have in my life. The result, a 3.14 GPA and 60+ lbs. loss bragging rights.
As we near the corner to a new year, a fresh start and a positive outlook for a new beginning, I am most happy with the last year in passing. I don't have any regrets and I look forward to my accomplishments in the year to come.
I wish I could of had the wisdom I carry now when I was younger. How much easier life would be. How much pain I could of saved my heart and soul from. But, that's life and these are the lessons that make us who we are.
I look over entries of my diary's of past years; they all start with a desperate girl who wants to lose weight and makes claims that this is the year and nothing will stop her. Even the best intentions get some how get washed down the drain by the second week of January. Maybe the desperation required drastic changes that weren't so realistic.
I am glad this year, I did it slow. I am glad that I didn't think that I needed to lose all of my weight by tomorrow. I took one day at a time and most importantly, I allowed myself to make mistakes, to gain weight and not beat myself up. I looked at the journey as a life style, not a diet. I over indulged and loved every second of it. Yet, all the while knowing that this was a temporary moment of pleasure and that soon, the treadmill would be under my feet and the water sliding down my throat.
I haven't set any big new year resolutions this year. I guess I just want to allow myself the chance to live my life and to love and honour myself as never before. Taking care of me and that doesn't mean eating a bag of chips. Where is the love in that? Changing my relationship with food has and will always be a struggle for me. I am and will never give up on my adventure to beat food, or is it the challenge to beat myself. This tug of war battle that has went on with food for to many years to count will one day be in the past.
I know that if I do what I can do, then God will do what I can't. It is His promises that I stand on and knowing that faith without works is dead. So I can have all the faith in the world to overcome this battle, but I need to continue to put faith into work as I have done. I know He is proud of my victory this past year. I am proud of myself too. I would have to say that my biggest achievement was that no matter what the scale said at weight watchers, I still managed to pick myself up and try again and always knowing that tomorrow was a new day.
That is sometimes the only comfort we have isn't it? That tomorrow, his Mercy's are new everyday. It always amazes me that no matter how bad today is, that tomorrow could bring so much happiness. It is a wondrous thing and sometimes at the end of the day, it is only tomorrow that I have to be most grateful for.
I hope to really time manage my days better with my second quarter of school. It will require me to get up everyday at 4:45 am, drink or rather gulp down a strong cup of coffee, work out for an hour, hop in the shower, prepare a healthy breakfast and be out of the door by 6:55 am, off to School. I have made a schedule of house cleaning and the days that they are to be done. I will plan menus on Saturday or Sunday for the week, making crock pot meals on the days I am at school until 7pm.
I will have little time for socialization and this saddens me but I am doing something for myself right now. It feels weird to be selfish. I know the princess, right? Just because I am a princess doesn't mean that I don't think of others first, I love to give, love to spend time with my friends and most of all, love to do nice things for them. This all comes to a halt when I am in school. I am thankful for their understanding and support of my decision to go back to School.
I need to manage my time better... I need to make more time for Jesus, Even if its 30 minutes a day... something. I never thought that life would be so hectic while in School. Juggling three subjects, sometimes having a final, or exam on the same day.
I have a week left and I am going to enjoy my time off. I sit here now on my new lap top *thanks to my wonderful husband* in my kitchen, with a cup of cinnamon stick tea from Taste and Sea Ministries, listening to Positive Life Radio... my house is clean, and we have had a blessed Christmas having spent this Season with friends and family members on both sides, and we are so thankful to God for sending his son, and for his forgiveness. I know that Jesus didn't come and die so we could have religion, it was so we could have relationship and I find relief in knowing there is no perfection in that.
God is Good. Amen.
Here is rasing my glass to a wonderful year in 2012 and here is to another 60 pounds lost, a deeper walk with Jesus, a tight bond with all my friends and family and getting into the PTA program at the Falls. Getting PREGNANT. In Jesus Name.
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